Christmas comics like to teach us a lot of things, like “Love thy neighbor,” “Even the coldest hearts grow warm,” and “It isn’t the gift that matters, but the intention.” They also teach us another universal truth: that Santa Claus is a scarlet-clad round mound of pounding.
Simply put, the man can FIGHT. The number of ways he can give you the gift of pain this holiday season is staggering. Here’s a small sampling of the greatest fighting moves we’ve seen from Santa so far:
It should come as no surprise that Santa’s go-to attack is a good ol’ fashioned right hook, but it’s a lot more impressive than it sounds. The man is twisting his torso in a direction opposite to the blow, which cuts whatever leverage he might be getting from his body weight. Despite this, his blow is powerful enough to send his opponent flying. This is pure, unadulterated arm strength on display!
Of course, it makes a lot of sense when you remember he’s used to carrying the Christmas gifts of all the world’s kids in one bag.
Highlight Reel: Best of DC Blue Ribbon Digest #22 (1981)
The Merry Mistle-Dropkick
What do sad little boys and girls get for Christmas? Santa’s boots.
In their faces.
There’s not much else to say here, really.
Highlight Reel: Emo Boy #10 (2006)
The North Pole Knockout
If there’s one thing you should know by now, it’s to never, ever make Santa angry. Even more importantly, never punch his eye out of his socket. That’s just inviting him to use this move on you, a twisting (watch his fist’s movement trail) slobberknocker powerful enough to knock down the baddest bounty hunter in the universe.
Is that a machete in his hand? Yes. Yes it is.
Highlight Reel: Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special #1 (1991)
The Coal and Cackle
Any fighter worth his salt will tell you that psychology is half the battle. Get into your opponent’s head, and you might just win the fight before a single blow is landed. Santa is a master of psychological warfare. Every year, he drops by Apokolips to personally deliver a lump of coal right in Darkseid’s face, and then quickly runs away.
That is a straight-up diss. Just look at that smug look on his face while Darkseid smolders in the background. And he does this every. Year.
Highlight Reel: DC Universe Holiday Bash II (1998)
The Sleigh Bell Smackdown
If you think you’ve got him surrounded, you’d better watch out – Santa Claus will take you to town. When faced with multiple foes, Santa turns into a tubby tornado of tinsel and takedowns, dispatching your partners with a series of punches and kicks before smashing your face right onto the floor. When you see that fur-trimmed flurry of fury heading your way, you’ll be begging him to let you keep your two front teeth.
He won’t.
Highlight Reel: JLA #60 (2001)
The Stocking Stuffer
We can’t stress this enough: NEVER make Santa angry. He simply has no mercy for the naughtiest people on his list. He will walk into your home, shove a lump of explosive coal in your mouth, and light the damn thing. He will deck the halls with your scattered body parts.
For the love of all that’s holy, stay nice.
Highlight Reel: Santa the Barbarian #1 (1996)
We hope all this served as a wonderful lesson to be good to everyone this season. If you don’t, Santa might just come down your chimney to show you just how realistic Christmas comics can be.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fight!
Marco Sumayao is a comic book fan from the Philippines, where the Christmas season lasts nearly six months. He gets to spread the good cheer about comics year-round by writing for the ForeverGeek Kickstarter Store, where people can find the very best geeky Kickstarter projects all in one convenient, easy-to-navigate site. He’s also an engaged member of the store’s community, contributing reviews on Kickstarter comics, board games, video games, and gadgets. This year, he’s hoping to find a couple of items from his wishlist underneath the Christmas tree.
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